TheresaCaldwell.com

“Calmers”: A Speaker’s Best Friend, 6/6 at CBP’s First Friday Breakfast

Staring at a rainbow and taking deep breaths seems like a great way to calm yourself, to get centered before you have to be on. But not always. I can still remember my first examples of a successful person preparing to perform.

First, when I was young enough to say “Eeeuuuuwwwwww” and then chuckle, my father told me that basketball legend Bill Russell threw up before every game. Later, I saw a retrospective of some sort on TV about Judy Garland. There was a moment in the show when you saw her backstage, years after her trip over the rainbow, swaying to the power of the orchestra before she stepped through the curtains to greet her adoring fans.

I have grown to describe actions like those as “calmers,” even though up-chucking before donning your Chuck Taylors may not fit everyone’s idea of something that makes you calm before you have to be “on.” But if you’ve ever thrown up, you’ll remember how it quickly quiets a world of stomach upset.

A calmer is anything that calms your nerves, wherever they may be in your body, so that you can do your own version of performing. In other words, they ease your performance anxiety. Your performance doesn’t have to be on a traditional stage. It can be the toast at your friend’s wedding, a work presentation, or a media interview.

Some of my favorite calmers (I’ve used them, or they've been used by someone I know): hand washing, using the bathroom followed by hand washing, separating from everyone for a couple of minutes of quiet, separating with a warm beverage, physical or vocal warm-up exercises. Many people combine a few of them.

I’m going to touch on calmers a bit this Friday, June 6^th, 8:00 a.m. ET, as the featured speaker at the Community Business Partnership’s First Friday Business Breakfast. These events are held in Springfield, VA, and are always enlightening. I’m very excited about this opportunity to present Let Communication’s “Dynamic Duo’’ Fuel Your Media Message.

We’re going to have fun putting a few of the attendees in the hot seat. You could be one of them. If you’ve read this post, at least you’ll be a bit ahead of the game.

See you Friday!

Maya Angelou

Her name is all you ever need to say. Maya Angelou. That last part is pronounced LOW. I'm finally taking a few minutes to breathe, and take in the fact that she has made her transition. That, using a beautiful image she shared 10 years ago with Armstrong Williams, she has returned her spirit to God in similar shape as God gave it to her.

Sigh....

I've had little time to gauge my own feelings about the loss of this elegant soul. I was privileged to spend the last few days working with TV One's News One Now with Roland Martin team putting together shows celebrating Dr. Angelou's life and legacy.

That interview with Armstrong that I mentioned aired on the show, and we heard from several wonderful people. Including recordings of the great "Dr. Maya" herself, as the awesome Dr. Johnnetta Cole referred to her when she was on the show. Nowhere else could you find so much immediate, live television time devoted to this wonderful soul.

So, how DO I feel? Grateful. Soooo grateful that I shared time on the planet with her. I can't help but smile as I think about it. Mostly I was one of the people in the background, working some event where she was a featured speaker or being interviewed. More years ago than I care to say, I was working in a Boston television newsroom. As she left the station, I made the opportunity to thank her for co-writing a song that was already old back then. She chuckled and said, "You remember that?" And then she thanked me! It felt like a blessing.

As a dark-skinned black woman, there continue to be so few of us celebrated using words such as "beauty" and "elegance." But Maya Angelou showed that world that we, too, are worthy of those still powerful words. If she'd been carrying about 20 extra pounds when she was young I would have erected an altar to her!

That old song? It's been in my head ever since I heard of her passing, co-written with Lalo Schifrin. It's romantically oriented, but the title and energy of it probably best describe where I am with all of this now: Memory of Love.

I am now at the end of her life as I knew it from great distance, but it is the beginning of my new opportunity to be her living legacy. "Good morning."

I Love to Listen Day

As International I Love to Listen Day draws to a close, I find myself thinking about things I love to listen to that are NOT the usual suspects: music, laughter, well-crafted jokes, great singing.

I would have to say that one of my favorite things to listen to is a person who is talking about their passion. It can be great ribs, pie, woodworking, launching a non-profit, IT training, or building a real estate business. Linda Wheeler talked about that last one, real estate (and life), at the WBIS luncehon on May 8th. It was inspiring! In this picture she's showing us her Vision Board. WBIS Founder Sheila Dixon is behind her. 

I've listened to people talk about all of those other passions, too, and much more. I loved it all!

I love the way their eyes sparkle, their voices change, and they can't stay still. I love the little giggle that slips in between their sentences, and the other-worldly calm that some of them get. I love the detail that I don't understand, and the delicious moment when I finally do.

Considering that in this late hour reminds me to listen to my own passions more often. Do you need to do that, too? Do you feel you need to stop listening to yours so much? That's the way it is with passion.

I vote for listening to our passions more often, starting today!

"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark."  Henri Amiel

Mom’s Listening Daily Deal: Inner Voice Volumizer

I’ve heard of women cranking up the volume on their music, TV and hair. For the final installment of my two-week run of daily listening “deals” for Moms as Mother’s Day gifts, I offer a “volumizer” for Mom’s inner voice. Yes, the Inner Voice Volumizer. Why not?

I’m proud of my sister, Sia. She cranked up the inner voice that encouraged her to get her Master’s in Religion. She celebrated that accomplishment today at Liberty University. Here she is with my sister-in-law, Dr. Melaney Caldwell, another Inner Voice Volumizer user, for sure. I happily encouraged Sia’s daughter, Talitha, to photo-bomb them.

Yeah, women! Have fun cranking up the volume on your inner voice, and show other women and girls how to do the same thing.

I know there are times when the struggle seems to be finding the inner voice. It is always there. ALWAYS. Really.

Maybe we can’t find our inner voice at times because the fickle fingers of fate have turned the volume down. Those “fingers” can be made up of things like heart-breaking experiences, the inability to keep up with items on the To Do list, and belief system brain farts like “You’re too old for that,” or “We don’t do things like that,” or “You’ll never be able to [fill in your dream] and take care of [fill in their expectation]!”

Or you’re scared. OK. I can relate. Remember: The things we’re most afraid of doing feel the most delicious once they’re done. Think back, even if you have to go back decades. I’m sure you have an experience that proves my point. Even if it's riding a bike, or skating (on rollers or ice).

Don’t try to be fearless. Just a little less fear-full.

“Watch your mind carefully for any beliefs that hinder its accomplishment, and step away from them. Judge how well you have done this by your own feelings, for this is the one right use of judgment.” A Course in Miracles

Mom’s Listening Daily Deal: A Heart-Connected Ear

I know that’s hard to imagine, but that’s the way I can best describe those who will listen to us when we need it. 

My friend Alicia, pictured, does that for me. Plus, no matter what issue is at hand, she helps me find a way to find the humor in it. I trust that I do the same for her.

She's probably thinking about her mother as we head toward Mother's Day. Me, too. I knew we'd be friends for life when she had me laughing at her family's quirks only moments after her mother's funeral. I never met her mother, but I knew she was a great lady - and that Alicia and I would be friends for life - by the wit and arched eyebrow Alicia tossed at me that chilly night in Baltimore several years ago.

I’m blessed to have several family members and friends with heart-connected ears. I’ve even had wonderful encounters with “strangers” – angels? – with heart-connected ears, and I’ve been the same for them. It is a profound joy.

Your deal today, Mom, offers you two experiences: accept the chance to take advantage of a heart-connected ear, and show your gratitude to those who do that for you. Bonus points if you share one of these experiences with your child.

Moms spend so much time listening to others, or at least trying to, that it feels like absolute grace when someone listens to them. Truly, genuinely, listens. Or thanks Mom for listening.

So … for anyone who reads this who has ever lovingly listened to me, especially when I was clearly nuts, Thank You!

“Only that in you which is me can hear what I’m saying.” Baba Ram Dass

Mom’s Listening Daily Deal: Quieting Internal Noise

Don’t you love how you become aware of the loud aspects of your life when things around you are quiet? 

I took this picture last month on a slightly overcast day near the Charles Kuralt Trail in a quiet area of Virginia Beach, VA (Mackay Island National Wildlife Refuge). The sun was trying to peek through, and it was colder than my husband and I wanted it to be, but there was something calming about the gray day.

As if encouraged by the soft lapping of the waves against the shore, my internal voices grew softer. I had to admit that they’re not as loud as they once were, but they can still be pretty loud. They are the main reason for that internal “noise” that makes it hard to effectively listen. Not just for me, but you, too. It’s just the reality of being human.

Today’s deal gives Mom the superhero ability to quiet that internal noise at will. No screaming, drinking, or chocolate gorging required!

To take advantage of this deal allow yourself to use good amounts of two key things: acceptance and willingness. The acceptance will help you admit the reality of this noise, and your ability to turn it down no matter what “caused” it. The willingness moves you to hit the pause button on whatever is going on (that may mean lovingly excusing yourself from a conversation), and take care of yourself so that you feel empowered to do what needs to be done to turn that internal noise down. And, yes, that may mean doing nothing.

If it helps, think of a quiet, peaceful scene. Hear a breeze, soft or crashing waves, laughter. Take a few deep breaths, and love the volume down on your internal voices. Then you can really listen to your child, children, or whoever would like to share their message with you.

We carry our own white noise within us.

The challenge is to enter

into the deep stillness

which is at the core of our beings.

The wisdom we encounter there

will teach and enlighten us,

if we attend to its still, small voice.

“Listening to the Wisdom Within” from Finding Your Place in the Universe

By Stephen J. Hrycyniak and Robert J.C. Miller

Mom’s Listening Daily Deal: Credit for Trying

Families often gather to mark milestones: birthdays, weddings, baby showers and christenings/baptisms, anniversaries, funerals. Whatever event folks define as significant. Many colleges seem to have decided that a great Mother’s Day gift is your commencement.

These are great opportunities to listen, and be overwhelmed because we were listening. 

Here’s one of my favorite listening-oriented games at family events: The Name Game. I always meet cousins I didn’t know I had, or see cousins I haven't seen in ages. A group of us gathered for this picture after my uncle, George Boyd's, Celebration of Life. Some of you may call that a Homegoing or funeral. And there were still a lot of other folks in the room!

 And those are just some of the blood relatives. The number of “cousins” I have because we love each other after years of knowing each other (or our parents have known each other since before we were born) is mind-boggling.

So, The Name Game is to see how many names of family and friends I can recall by the end of the big event. Feel how many of your senses are put to work. You may find that someone’s cologne, clothes or hairstyle help you pay close enough attention to listen to what they’re saying, which helps you remember their name. Give it a try! Find out what types of things help you more effectively listen.

The listening deal for Moms today is credit for trying.

There are many times – especially as our children grow through team victories, science fair ribbons, graduations and beyond – that you did not effectively listen. Been there, got my tear-stained t-shirt. Sometimes the many things flowing through your head drowned out their voice. Sometimes it was something they did or said. You did your best, hoping your love for them would support you both.

If you haven’t heard it recently, and especially if you may not hear it on Mother’s Day, I love you and give you credit for trying!

“Grown don’t mean nothing to a mother. A child is a child. They get bigger, older, but grown? What’s that supposed to mean? In my heart it don’t mean a thing.” Toni Morrison, Beloved, quoted in Real Simple

Mom’s Listening Daily Deal: Let 'Em Go

Last week, I posted a picture of my sister, Patricia, and I in Germany when our boys were little. Our babies are now young men now. A couple of weeks ago, they were probably out doing their own thing on a wonderfully sunny, spring Sunday. Patricia and I did the same thing. 

We enjoyed quiet strolls along the Patuxent River in Maryland with a few women friends, and there were opportunities to just be quiet and let the wind blow through our hair, our t-shirts and our worries.

Today’s deal reminds Mom to take a few minutes to herself. Listen to nothing but the breeze every now and again. It’s kind of like hitting the “refresh” button or symbol on your computer, only it’s inside of you.

It’s a lot easier to listen to your child, or anyone, when you take a break from listening every once in a while.

Mom’s Listening Daily Deal: The Gift of Sight

I am an oldest child. A first daughter. I also only have one niece born to my siblings. She’s not the eldest of my nieces, but since she is the daughter of one of my sisters she’s my “first” niece. You know what I mean.

Here she is almost two years ago with my mother in Baltimore. Below she is with my father. I was very happy to talk them into joining me for a beautiful afternoon taking in the tall ships as part of Baltimore’s War of 1812 commemoration.

I thought about her while listening to bell hooks, Salamishah Tillet and the women gathered today for the first of three conversations at The New School in New York about feminism, the black female body and black girls/women being invisible.

The conversation made me stop for a few minutes and really feel the invisibility I have often felt but not acknowledged. To consider ways I have remained invisible, and the others where I have not. To consider ways to see myself, my niece, all black girls and all girls. To figure out how to support them in seeing themselves. To  support society in seeing them. I’ll talk more about this some other time. 

The main point today, as Mother’s Day draws near, is that seeing is also how we listen.

Effective listening takes more than ears. The International Listening Association (ILA) defines listening as “the process of receiving, constructing meaning from and responding to spoken and/or nonverbal messages.” We do that with our eyes, hearts, all of our senses.

Mothers are the first to respond to us with all of their senses.  They – we – respond to children before they are even born, and most mothers quickly develop amazing ways to interpret their child’s messages.

Today I give you the gift of sight. For the next 24 hours, you have the ability to see yourself as you truly are – a beautiful light worthy of all of the love this life has to offer, and in as many forms as you are ready, willing and able to receive. The hurt places remaining in the little girl within you are seen, and healed.

bell hooks today: “The black body has a right to be whole. The black body has a right to be healed.”

You also have the gift of sight regarding other girls, as well as the girl inside other women, and the ability to love her wounds away.

So much trauma we often just swallow, and meander or bulldoze our way through life hoping that will make it go away. Smiling because we’re too numb for tears. Silent because we think the tears won’t matter anyway.

They matter. Because they matter, if you can really feel and enjoy today’s “gift of sight,” you may keep it for the rest of your life.

Mom’s Listening Daily Deal: New Notes

I’ve been thinking about the word NEW. I’ve seen it a lot lately associated with opportunities to spend, or save, money. How about new experiences, like seeing a new place? It was wonderful to take a few minutes to just breathe and take in the scenery the first time I saw the property behind the Briar Patch Bed & Breakfast in Middleburg, VA. And THEN I took this picture! 

Again today, no whole process as we provide a Daily Listening Deal for the two weeks leading up to Mother’s Day. Yes, it’s a week from today!

Today I’m offering a gentle invitation to listen to something NEW. Don’t spend money, at least not immediately. Listen! Listening can create new experiences.

Yesterday was about “old favorites” when it comes to music. It’s a new day, so try some new music. Try a genre you would normally ignore. For example, if you’re a blues fan, try rap. Love jazz? How about classic rock or country? As long as it’s something new.

I’ll fess up. I’m not a real blues fan. B.B. King has always gotten a pass because he’s beyond the blues, in my book (there’s a museum dedicated to him, and a documentary due out later this month).  And then I saw Buddy Guy at the Newport Jazz Festival several years ago while working with my friend, Sue Auclair. Next thing I knew I was dancing in the rain, and then I “got it” about the blues.

OK. You can keep it simple, and go for something new in your preferred category. As long as it’s new. Double brownie points if it’s something by one of your child’s favorite artists. Triple points if you like it, and take some of the experience into your next - new - conversation.

“[Charles] Mingus, often skeptical of the intentions and knowledge of record company executives, focused his energy at Atlantic on the music because he trusted Nesuhi [Ertegun]. So too with [John] Coltrane and the other musicians. They knew that Nesuhi knew how to listen.” Nat Hentoff, in “What’d I Say”: The Atlantic Story