TheresaCaldwell.com

The End - Part 1: TGIO!

Welcome to the first full week of 2009!

You know what I like best about the whole Happy New Year thing? The fact that it clearly marks the end of the old year. There are waaay too many times in life when "the end" is not that clear. Consider:

• The dating/marriage/lovers/whatever has ended, but you still spend a lot of time together
• You retired/resigned/got laid-off/whatever, but you still work there periodically
• The new president/boss/whatever is here, but the former leader is still actually in charge
• You dieted to lose 20 pounds, but now you realize that you have to "live" on that wacky diet

You get the idea. So here we are, finally clear about the fact that something is over. TGIO (Thank God It's Over)! That seems especially true for 2008. If you weren't depressed about the economy, the lack of world peace, the deteriorating environment or your relationship by the end of last year, you were practically depressed about the fact that you were one of the few people who wasn't. TGIO! The new beginning gives you a lift. Somehow, just knowing that the year can't get any worse is a relief. So what if it had to end in order to break the losing streak.

The End is the beginning of a transition. Right now we are all, in some way, making a transition. It can be as significant as bringing a child into your life, or as mundane as adjusting to putting 2009 on your checks. The End -- the beginning of a transition period -- can also be a blessing, no matter what the specifics of the year wind up looking like. When asked what I want for my birthday, I always say, "Another one." If we get another one, we're doing alright.

What will you do with your transition time? I've decided to embrace a quote from one of my 2008 calendars (yes, I had more than one): "You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream." C.S. Lewis. I had to have lots of endings to get to that, so TGIO!

When the Storms Come

At some point, we all get battered by life’s storms. Hurricanes or heartbreaks. The loss of a job or the loss of a dream. These all create an ending of some type. Life as we knew it? Gone.

Wrapping our heads around loss is one of life’s required classes. Before I had my son, I had a miscarriage. I was devastated, but soon found that I’d joined one of the largest sororities on the planet. Studies have shown that as many as 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Like every one of those women, when I went through it I felt that horrible aloneness that comes with heartbreak. But I learned several things about passing life’s loss class. Here are some of them:

*Whatever you feel is real. If you’re hurt, angry, numb, it’s alright.
*Don’t rush. We, and sometimes people around us, want us to move on. You will, but it may take you a while (whatever that is). This is a ride you’re strapped into, so sit back and take the ride. No, you won’t enjoy it.
*Create “safe” space. If you’re having a hard time dealing with others because of your pain, don’t. It’s alright to spend time alone or away from people. Be as loving as possible in the way you tell people that you need your space. If you fall short, talk to them when you feel stronger.
*If you feel like you’re having a hard time returning to the world, ask for help. There are many people poised to help you. You may be able to reach out to family and friends, but there are also therapists and coaches. In some situations, someone who is not personally involved in your life may be able to give you more objective support.
*There IS light at the end of the tunnel. Once you pass through the storm, if nothing else you will know what you’re made of. If you thought you were strong before, you will know it now.

Check out my “Say It By Heart” interview with Robin McMahon. She had wonderful, life-affirming information about how to pass life’s loss class.

Check Please

“Can you believe it’s already the end of the month?!”

I’ve heard several people say that recently. I’ve said it. Of course you know that’s one of the first signs of aging: time accelerates. It will always be Christmas “before you know it.” The good news is many people have a pay check coming at the end of the month. The bad news is that for increasing numbers of Americans the check will be gone before the next one comes.

No matter how old you are, or what time of the year, things can happen that force you to transition from the life you HAD to the life you now HAVE. You might see the “thing” that happened as “bad” (like your pay check’s loss of spending power) or “good” (like getting a job that pays bigger checks), but the transition is sparked just the same.

I have often said that the transition is the process which moves our state of mind from what WAS (what we had) to what IS (what we now have). And the sooner we get clear about that, the more empowered we will be as we go through it. I have a quick Check List that helps move me along: Reality Check, Time Check and Check In.

*Reality Check
The reality is, a change has taken place. Admit it! Stay present in the fact of whatever has happened, and that it marks the end of things as they were and the related fantasies. That’s right, fantasies. This is an excellent time to start a journal, written or recorded in some way, of what is happening and how you feel about it.

*Time Check
Understand that your internal clock will make the transition on its own schedule. It may take a couple of weeks or a couple of years. Honor this. The more major the change, the more you may need safety nets to hold you up for however long it takes.

*Check In
Tell people you trust that you are in transition, a period of adjustment to change. This is an important safety net. However, go over your journal. It will give you information that will guide you toward the person or people to Check In with. If you’re in a relationship, or close to people at work, they may ask what’s going on before you decide to Check In with them. Not every friend or partner is the right person to Check In with about particular parts of your story at certain times. Handle the ways that you Check In in ways that honor both you and the people you talk to. Try to remember that most people are asking because they genuinely care about you. In addition, their relationship with you is based on you being a particular “way.” If your way is changing, naturally they will feel uncomfortable in ways they cannot always describe.

So when a significant change occurs go to the list and check, please! Reality Check, Time Check and Check In. It’s a way of loving yourself when you may feel that nobody else does.

Transition Time

From the time my son was old enough to understand, whenever we had a disagreement, I would say, “When you go away to college, you can do” whatever the activity in question was. So, him leaving home for college was never an issue. It was only a matter of how far he would go. I adore my son, but I believe that, when possible, young people should take the opportunity to spread their wings without the constant supervision of a mother hen. Or father.

Then he actually went away to college. I was so happy and proud! But on the drive home in the rented van with the broken cassette player, I broke down and cried. I knew it was one of the most significant changes in his life, but I’d never stopped to think about the fact that the same was true for me. It was an exciting time, but I felt … weird. How did a wonderful life change become a weird one? And it stayed that way for months.

Life is a chain of changes. Some of them are so “normal” and desired that we rarely address their impact: moving, getting sick then recovering, starting a fitness program, getting a raise and/or promotion, a child leaving home. Some are so significant that we can’t help but pause to consider them: a death in the family, marriage or divorce, a new baby, a serious illness, getting laid-off or fired, graduating, changing your spiritual practice. The truth of the matter is, ALL of these changes, and the many more that touch our lives, have an impact. They shift the life path we were traveling on.

Changes shift our life path because they are always endings, the end of life as we knew it. Then, whether we are aware of it or not, we transition into our new life. During our more significant transitions we will be acutely aware of significant emotional reactions, and it’s one of the few things we do on our own schedule. Some parents launch right into additional activities when their only child leaves home. It took me several months, and I was blessed by the counsel of friends and family who had already sent offspring out of the nest.

The good news is that every ending is not profound, every transition does not take months, understanding the transition process serves you your whole life and you don’t have to go through it alone. When it’s transition time, getting a coach or joining a coaching team is not a sign of weakness. Even those who brag about pulling themselves up by their own bootstraps never claim they made the boots. Like I told my son just before he left for school, “If God had meant for us to do most things by ourselves, there wouldn’t be so many of us here.”