TheresaCaldwell.com

Healing Father Anger

I believe that at some point every parent will make their child angry. I'm convinced that it's in the job description, wherever that is. You have to say "no" to things they want, set boundaries they'd rather you didn't and periodically throw out a "Because I said so" just to keep things interesting.

Interesting or not, parental behavior has an impact on children. When that behavior leaves scars on the hearts of children, anger and resentment can take hold and ultimately inform every aspect of the child's life. Even into adulthood. However, the angry child -- no matter how old -- can heal.

Adeyemi Bandele helps men and women heal their father anger. He shares his experience with his father and sons, and the road to healing others can travel, during our conversation the week of October 6th on Say It By Heart.

Adeyemi asks those who are healing to ask themselves some questions that may be tougher to answer than they think: What do I need to share? Am I ready? If so, what's the approach? If you want to heal your father anger, help someone else do it, or are a father yourself who wants to build a bridge between yourself and your angry child, you won't want to miss this show.

ComFEARtable

Combine high doses of comfort and fear and you become comfeartable. You might feel very comfortable in your job, surroundings or relationship. That's great! But are you sure? The toxic mixture works so well that you might not realize it's coursing through your veins.

Are you so comfortable that you can sleep walk through a week at work? Have you gotten so used to certain negative attitudes, behaviors and comments that you barely notice them? Have you adopted them? Or maybe you are constantly whining and complaining to others at work or to your friends. Have you stopped dressing a little better for a night out with your partner -- if you still "date" at all? So the bottom line becomes this: Why are you still there? Maybe you're comfeartable.

I learned about it from Bill Treasurer, author of Courage Goes to Work. Do yourself a big favor and catch him on Say It By Heart the week of September 29th. To me, the title wound up meaning even more than being courageous in the workplace. It reminds me that the courage in our hearts can go to work on the gremlins in our heads that say we can't achieve our dreams.

After reading Bill's book and talking to him, I had an "Aha!" moment. I had an area of my life that I loved, where I felt comfortable. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I might actually be comfeartable. I was shocked! Now that I know, I feel compelled to ACT like I know. As a person who coaches people and often speaks about life transitions, I know that the beginning of the transitional process is an ending. Sometimes you don't know exactly where the ending was. However, in many cases, we can choose the end point and the squishy feeling that goes with it. We go out of our way to avoid that feeling -- the fear -- but this time I'm going for squishy. Check out my conversation with Bill Treasurer and several other inspiring people in the Say It By Heart archives. You'll be encouraged and supported as you move out of comfeartability, too.

We're In The Money

It may not feel like it, but apparently we are. We invisible taxpayers have enough money to prop up teetering financial giants. Who knew? I didn't think we had enough to improve schools or provide basic health care for our less fortunate American brethren, and I still can't figure out how we're underwriting the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. All this while, literally, losing our own homes.

I now wonder if economics is more magic than math, especially when I see people from some of the same firms and philosophies who got us into this mess saying that things are better than they seem. Maybe we are just whining. Any child can tell you that there are times and circumstances when whining works. The problem here is that our whining is more beneficial for many of the people who created the mess than those who suffer as a result of it. If it wasn't clear before that we were on our own, it should be crystal clear now.

We have to think differently about money and how we manage it. For some, that may mean getting back to basics. Say It By Heart for the week of September 22nd can help that happen. I spoke with financial adviser Gary Demirkan about how we can change our thinking in order to change our bottom line. He considers the metaphysical (the impact of our energy on wealth creation) to the basic financial (protect the most important thing in your life: your earning power). In her no-nonsense style, accountant Mary Quigley shared ways to explore your tax options as the year draws to a close. I know, I know. Who wants to think about filing taxes now? But you know the old saw: forewarned is forearmed. If you don't feel "in the money," for the forseeable future you're going to need as much warning and armor as you can get.

"Sick Care" For All?

The United States "Health Care" System is actually built around being sick. It's easier to get an insurance company to pay for treatment if you're already sick, than to get proven preventive measures paid for. And that's IF you even have health insurance. Not to mention the fact that it often feels as if more of our health care creativity goes into curing sickness than preventing sickness. We can and must do better.

My guest on Say It By Heart the week of September 15th not only talks about moving from Sick Care to Health Care, she's doing something about it. She's Dr. Gloria Wilder, President and CEO of Core Health.

During our conversation, the passionate Dr. Gloria (as she's often called) talked about the universal keys to social justice. They are: health care, education, environmental justice, economic justice and a fair legal system. It makes sense for health care to come first on this list. I say that not because Dr. Gloria is a health care warrior, but because the old saw is true -- you have nothing if you don't have your health.

There's been a lot of talk about health care during the presidential race. There usually is, but significant solutions don't move from paper to program. Meanwhile the cost of quality care seems to keep going up while its availability keeps going down. I don't pretend to know what the solution is, but I do know there is one and that we can find it. My concern is that we won't commit to finding that solution in the near future.

The Thrill Of Victory

... And the agony of defeat. The old ABC Wide World of Sports program used to open using that line. The show has been gone for years, but that expression lives on because it so perfectly captures the sports experience. Even those who have never been big sports fans often enjoy the passion of those who are, appreciate the determination of talented athletes, and "get it" when a sports metaphor is used off the playing field.

The impact of sports on society is something I often think about, so I was happy to talk about it with award-winning Baltimore Sun sports columnist David Steele. He is the featured guest on Say It By Heart the week of September 8th. David is just the person to talk to because in addition to his ability to bring the fun of sports to a conversation, he is also the co-author of Four Generations of Color and Silent Gesture: The Autobiography of Tommie Smith.

You may have seen the famous picture of Tommie Smith, standing tall wearing his Olympic Gold Medal in Mexico City in 1968. Fellow teammate John Carlos is lower, to the right, wearing his Bronze Medal. Both men hold their Black Power salute high and their heads low. It was a powerful demonstration of their disgust at the discrimination faced by African Americans at home. They were criticized and even received death threats. Many people believed, some still do, that the international sporting venue was the wrong place for politics. Yet politics touch everything. Even this year, many people had significant issues with China hosting the Olympics. Baseball players have testified before Congress about steroid use, and football legends were on Capitol Hill with concerns about how the NFL treats its veterans.

Most importantly, there's just something about sports. Something that allows us to feel fully alive whether participating or watching. That's fine by me.

Compassion Can Cool Anger

I know it's hard to believe, but compassion CAN cool the flames of anger. Since my conversation with Steven Stosny, author of several books on the subject, I've tried it and am happy to report that it worked. Dr. Stosny is my guest the week of September 1st on Say It By Heart.

His use of Compassion Power is, in fact, powerful. I was so busy listening to what he had to say -- and taking notes -- that I admit I had a moment or two when I wasn't keeping up with the conversation. It made me feel like those wonderful moments when you're in school and you are totally immersed in the subject. You forget about the time, the place and what other people think. You are completely absorbed in the work. And we all know that moving through anger can be work, especially when you feel that the person you're mad at is "a piece of work." However, you CAN bring your compassion to the surface and manage the moment.

Here are a few of my notes:
*You weren't born resentful, feeling unloved and unlovable
*When you find yourself feeling angry, think: How can I make this better? How can I improve the situation?
*Make sure people feel valuable enough to express their needs
*Be mindful of the defining male roles: provider, protector, lover, parent

Tune in to the show to see why that mindfulness of male roles is important, and to take notes of your own. We all get angry. Finding better ways to experience and communicate anger is a great way to be more compassionate toward ourselves.

Introvert Power!

Now that the Democratic ticket is set, we can say one thing for sure: Barack Obama and Joe Biden are NOT introverts. We can probably say the same about John McCain and whoever joins him on the Republican ticket. In a nutshell, an introvert is defined as a person who is more interested in their own mental life than the world around them. They are often the quieter people in social settings, if they set foot in one at all. Can you run for office these days and be an introvert? Probably.

I wouldn't have thought that before my conversation with Laurie Helgoe, author of Introvert Power. She's my guest on Say It By Heart the week of August 25th. Laurie shared several things that I found interesting and comforting:

*A majority of Americans are introverts
*Many people we assume are extroverts have introvert tendencies (including yours truly)
*Introverts often make great friends and lovers to extroverts (and vice versa)

Laurie also enhanced my appreciation of the ways introverts listen and process information, which can lead to major benefits for themselves and those around them. The introvert may simply need to better appreciate who they are, find creative ways to take care of themselves in extrovert-friendly settings and effectively communicate their needs to those around them.

So if you are an introvert who wants to run for public office but think dealing with all those people all the time would make your head explode, take heart. OK, you probably won't make a good presidential candidate. But somewhere there is a school board, town council, or water reclamation district that could use your analytical mind and call to service. Start with Laurie's book to rev up your introvert power!

More On Recovery And Self-Concern

On the last Say It By Heart show, Allen Berger, Ph.D. and I got so into it that I couldn't let him go. We had to talk more about the difference between self-concern and selfishness. A lot of people get hung up on that. I know I have. The week of August 18th we can let ourselves off the hook.

Allen Berger is the author of 12 Stupid Things That Mess Up Recovery, and one of the stupid things is confusing self-concern with selfishness. I know what you're thinking. You're saying to yourself, "I'm not in recovery, so why should I care?" That's what's so amazing about him and his book. You start caring, identifying with people in recovery and come away with something that will serve you. It's OK. That's not selfish.

The bonus of this second show, is that we get into more relationship stuff. Allen Berger has written and done audio programs about "relationship matters," and how not to let your relationship suck the life out of the individual you. That can be especially challenging when your partner has an "issue" of any type.

Don't Be Stupid

Confusing self-concern with selfishness is one of the stupidest things you can do if you're on the road to recovery. It also happens to be one of the stupidest things any of us can do no matter what road we're on.

Those are facts shared with me during my first conversation with Allen Berger, Ph.D., author of 12 Stupid Things That Mess Up Recovery. It airs on Say It By Heart the week of August 11th. The book is small, but packed with a lot of information that can make a life-affirming difference for you, someone you care about, or someone you work with.  Drugs, alcohol and gambling aren't the only things that can take over our lives. You can be addicted to shopping, food, sex even plastic surgery. According to my trusty friend Merriam-Webster, to be an addict is "to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or excessively."

I found myself so glued to the book that I had to ask myself if I had an addiction I was wrestling with. I don't, but I have known people who have struggled with addiction. Plus, Allen Berger is such a gifted therapist, that you'll find a few of his Stupid Things could apply to you if you are committed to living as your highest self. For example: being selectively honest, not making amends and believing that life should be easy. OK, so life shouldn't be easy, but 12 Stupid Things That Mess Up Recovery makes it easier.

Don't Fail The Multiple Choice Test

When I was in high school I learned a valuable lesson. Whenever I failed or did poorly on a multiple choice test, it was because I changed an answer. An answer would pop into my head, then I would second-guess that immediacy and change it. The first answer was correct! That great combination of intellect and intuition had served me well, but I didn't trust it.

The week of August 4th on Say It By Heart, I talk to personal and organizational coach Deborah George-Feres about using that winning combination -- intellect and intuition -- to succeed. Deborah has been doing that for years, and promotes the power of intuition on the show and in the book Blueprint for Success.

Many entrepreneurs may feel a bit uncomfortable putting a lot of stock in their intuition. However, I believe they just use different expressions for it. Successful people often say they "go with their gut," something just "felt right," or they could "just tell" some project was going to work well. Some say they saw a space in the market and they just filled it, but what prompted them to "see" it in the first place?

Sometimes when pursuing our dreams, from work to love, we apply the force of our intellect. That's fantastic, but we must not let the so-called reality of intellect prompt us to choke down our intuition. That leads to failing the multiple choice test, and we've already done enough of that.