TheresaCaldwell.com

Compassion Can Cool Anger

I know it's hard to believe, but compassion CAN cool the flames of anger. Since my conversation with Steven Stosny, author of several books on the subject, I've tried it and am happy to report that it worked. Dr. Stosny is my guest the week of September 1st on Say It By Heart.

His use of Compassion Power is, in fact, powerful. I was so busy listening to what he had to say -- and taking notes -- that I admit I had a moment or two when I wasn't keeping up with the conversation. It made me feel like those wonderful moments when you're in school and you are totally immersed in the subject. You forget about the time, the place and what other people think. You are completely absorbed in the work. And we all know that moving through anger can be work, especially when you feel that the person you're mad at is "a piece of work." However, you CAN bring your compassion to the surface and manage the moment.

Here are a few of my notes:
*You weren't born resentful, feeling unloved and unlovable
*When you find yourself feeling angry, think: How can I make this better? How can I improve the situation?
*Make sure people feel valuable enough to express their needs
*Be mindful of the defining male roles: provider, protector, lover, parent

Tune in to the show to see why that mindfulness of male roles is important, and to take notes of your own. We all get angry. Finding better ways to experience and communicate anger is a great way to be more compassionate toward ourselves.

Introvert Power!

Now that the Democratic ticket is set, we can say one thing for sure: Barack Obama and Joe Biden are NOT introverts. We can probably say the same about John McCain and whoever joins him on the Republican ticket. In a nutshell, an introvert is defined as a person who is more interested in their own mental life than the world around them. They are often the quieter people in social settings, if they set foot in one at all. Can you run for office these days and be an introvert? Probably.

I wouldn't have thought that before my conversation with Laurie Helgoe, author of Introvert Power. She's my guest on Say It By Heart the week of August 25th. Laurie shared several things that I found interesting and comforting:

*A majority of Americans are introverts
*Many people we assume are extroverts have introvert tendencies (including yours truly)
*Introverts often make great friends and lovers to extroverts (and vice versa)

Laurie also enhanced my appreciation of the ways introverts listen and process information, which can lead to major benefits for themselves and those around them. The introvert may simply need to better appreciate who they are, find creative ways to take care of themselves in extrovert-friendly settings and effectively communicate their needs to those around them.

So if you are an introvert who wants to run for public office but think dealing with all those people all the time would make your head explode, take heart. OK, you probably won't make a good presidential candidate. But somewhere there is a school board, town council, or water reclamation district that could use your analytical mind and call to service. Start with Laurie's book to rev up your introvert power!

More On Recovery And Self-Concern

On the last Say It By Heart show, Allen Berger, Ph.D. and I got so into it that I couldn't let him go. We had to talk more about the difference between self-concern and selfishness. A lot of people get hung up on that. I know I have. The week of August 18th we can let ourselves off the hook.

Allen Berger is the author of 12 Stupid Things That Mess Up Recovery, and one of the stupid things is confusing self-concern with selfishness. I know what you're thinking. You're saying to yourself, "I'm not in recovery, so why should I care?" That's what's so amazing about him and his book. You start caring, identifying with people in recovery and come away with something that will serve you. It's OK. That's not selfish.

The bonus of this second show, is that we get into more relationship stuff. Allen Berger has written and done audio programs about "relationship matters," and how not to let your relationship suck the life out of the individual you. That can be especially challenging when your partner has an "issue" of any type.

Beauty

I've spent more time than usual over the last several days thinking about beauty. I didn't realize that's what I was considering until today, while reading continuing coverage of the not-as-cute Chinese singer.

Maybe you saw the cute, 9-year old Chinese girl singing during the Olympics opening ceremony. It turns out that the real singer was a 7-year old who someone who makes those types of decisions decided was not cute enough to do the honors.  When I saw the real singer's picture, I was floored. She's cute as a button! This discussion started the same day I happened to see Tyra Banks' show on African Americans still being what we used to call "color struck." Don't ask. And of course there was the discussion about Beyonce looking whiter than ever in a new L'Oreal ad.

I decided that this was all about the definition of beauty, and who gets to define it. So, I went to my trusty dictionary. The first definition: Qualities that give pleasure to the senses or exalt the mind.

When was the last time anyone said that "beauty" is supposed to exalt the mind, not meet some abstract test designed by ... who? Not to mention the fact that "beauty" and "beautiful" are often doled out as if they are commodities which are in short supply. They are not. My heart broke Saturday morning when I heard that the comedic beauty of Bernie Mac was silent. I felt better that afternoon when I got a work of beauty from my friend and gifted photographer Elizabeth Linares. My energy was zapped again the next day when I learned that the musical beauty of Isaac Hayes would play no more. I am heartened, however, by the fact that remembrances of them show the beauty in all human hearts.

Hearts and minds are the real judges of beauty, aren't they? The body itself seems to have weighed in on the matter, seeing as you can live without one of your senses but not without your heart or brain. So to that singing 7-year old and the majority of us who would not have made the cut, all I can say is that I'm sticking with the one who designed the human body. Any other definition of beauty is irrelevant.

Don't Be Stupid

Confusing self-concern with selfishness is one of the stupidest things you can do if you're on the road to recovery. It also happens to be one of the stupidest things any of us can do no matter what road we're on.

Those are facts shared with me during my first conversation with Allen Berger, Ph.D., author of 12 Stupid Things That Mess Up Recovery. It airs on Say It By Heart the week of August 11th. The book is small, but packed with a lot of information that can make a life-affirming difference for you, someone you care about, or someone you work with.  Drugs, alcohol and gambling aren't the only things that can take over our lives. You can be addicted to shopping, food, sex even plastic surgery. According to my trusty friend Merriam-Webster, to be an addict is "to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or excessively."

I found myself so glued to the book that I had to ask myself if I had an addiction I was wrestling with. I don't, but I have known people who have struggled with addiction. Plus, Allen Berger is such a gifted therapist, that you'll find a few of his Stupid Things could apply to you if you are committed to living as your highest self. For example: being selectively honest, not making amends and believing that life should be easy. OK, so life shouldn't be easy, but 12 Stupid Things That Mess Up Recovery makes it easier.

Don't Fail The Multiple Choice Test

When I was in high school I learned a valuable lesson. Whenever I failed or did poorly on a multiple choice test, it was because I changed an answer. An answer would pop into my head, then I would second-guess that immediacy and change it. The first answer was correct! That great combination of intellect and intuition had served me well, but I didn't trust it.

The week of August 4th on Say It By Heart, I talk to personal and organizational coach Deborah George-Feres about using that winning combination -- intellect and intuition -- to succeed. Deborah has been doing that for years, and promotes the power of intuition on the show and in the book Blueprint for Success.

Many entrepreneurs may feel a bit uncomfortable putting a lot of stock in their intuition. However, I believe they just use different expressions for it. Successful people often say they "go with their gut," something just "felt right," or they could "just tell" some project was going to work well. Some say they saw a space in the market and they just filled it, but what prompted them to "see" it in the first place?

Sometimes when pursuing our dreams, from work to love, we apply the force of our intellect. That's fantastic, but we must not let the so-called reality of intellect prompt us to choke down our intuition. That leads to failing the multiple choice test, and we've already done enough of that.